Monday, March 9, 2009

'(Human) empathy is inherently limited' - John Green.

'(Human) Empathy is inherently limited'
That's the reason for the aloneness refered to in this passage.
Also, It's not pessimism, it's realism.
Or maybe it is just pessimism.
Either way, I do apologise for this post being so wholly bad.

Sometimes, I realise how alone I am and I just feel so empty, I feel like I'm dying, but not soon enough. I realise how alone everyone is, it just hits me and knocks me from my feet and my knees hit the ground beneath me, whether it be earthy or concrete; it's always hard. I feel as if I'm being suffocated by the sheer weight of my aloneness and I can't breath. It's just so real, my aloneness; it's so real that I can see it in front of me, I feel it crawling on my skin, I hear it echo around me again and again, I hear it echo a thousand times, two thousand times, three thousand, four; but this echo is different, instead of getting quieter and farther away, this echo gets louder, closer, more drawn-out, until it's clawing it's way inside me to petrify my heart and freeze my breath, so that it can force me to surrender. It's ringing in my ears, clouding my mind, it's vastness taking over my every concious thought.

But, sometimes I realise how alone I am, how alone we all are, and it just makes me so happy. It makes me so happy that I feel as if I were soaring through the skies above, twirling and swooping through a clear cool blue sky; defying gravity. The happiness is so unimaginably powerful and strong that it makes my heart ache from holding it inside me. Being that happy makes my lungs feel clogged with the vast mass, it's like I'm being smothered by this ecstatic joy, it's like it's life is taking from mine and i'm it's energy source, it's sucking all the air from my body and it won't even spare the oxygen in my veins, it takes all the water in my blood and all the nutrition from within me, leaving me holllow. It's a parasite that controls me. Then my face, my face; of it's own accord, it breaks out into a big smile, so big it hurts my face; but I can't stop it, because it's the parasite's doing, it's it's wish, which has now become my wish. I just feel so happy, and I know it doesn't make sense; 'cause I'm alone, but it just makes me so happy that I forget it doesn't make sense.

I guess the emotions aren't that different for me, sadness and joy; they're polar opposites for everyone else, but they're completely the same for me; because they both really scare me, they terrify me. They make me panic, they make me feel the fear they bring, but for hours afterwards and when I try to think; when I try to clear my mind they always come flooding back like unwanted memories of war, the war between me and the parasites.